Being the saint

for him I sing, …

dr. strangelove or how I stopped to worry about the earth and love mars


i am going to mars. i am in earth’s orbit my oribtal parameters are per: 6.5m apr: 6.93m rasius: 6.742m, inc 52.31 degrees and lan 180.05 degrees. the current time is Wed march 14 13:02 2001 mjd: 51892.5459. i plan to escape the earth’s gravity and burn fuel so that my transfer orbit gets as close to mars as possible. i consult my mfd. at a burn cost of 2.238k at 51983.5393 i would be reaching close to mars at 5.785g at an estimated mean julian date 52221.0901. this means, i should sync my orbit with mars orbit before the ejection time and when the ejection time arrives, i should do a prograde burn.

i need to correct my inclination by 52 degrees. i am at an. i change my attitude to normal – and burn so that the relative inclination is reduced to near zero. i could get my ri to 8 degrees. i need to wait till i reach dn to correct these 8 degrees. i have reached the dn and i could correct my ri. the ri now is at 0.137 degrees. all i need to do is wait for hte ejection time and eject. i could see hte earth to my right side. i need it on my left side. i need to change my attitude to prograde. Hitting the prograde auto pilot programme will put me in the prograde attitude in no time. i hit the programme and i can see earth changing attitude to my left. i am in the daylight side of earth. the mjd now is 51982.5932 that is Wed march 14 14:14 and i am waiting for the ejection time till such time, i would be in this low earth orbit, revolving about earth without any fuel loss. my ejection is a day away and i stop staring at the mfds and i see the beauty of the eart, though a planet torn by strife, looks so peaceful and specially the night side. the part of the world is dead asleep and i slowly orbit into the sun rise. a harbinger of a new day. Harbinger of my ejection point. i prograded my self.

the earth has nothing for me. more or less everything i have is my lover and this love is not commutative. my life on earth is a misery, carrying unrequited love. the universe might have something for me. i keep thinking about him, as i wait non chalantly for hte ejection time. as my dg rotates about the earth, my life rotated around him. my sunshine is his presence and his absense my night time. now i have no sunshine on earth. so i choose to hit the eternal night on this vast bottomless and topless space with my dream, my hope, my love and my prayer.

51984.00000 a matter of few minutes. i would be burning away to mars, leaving behind earth, whom i love on earth. and carry me, my dg, my broken heart and my unrequited love towards mars. i am perhaps lucky. i still got the love for the unknown and distant .0666, impatience and his memories forced me to hit hte lever forward and burning away to increase my speed. there was an overburn. immediately i change my attitude to retrgrade and hit the lever again to correct the excess velocity. now i am as per my mfd suggestions. in some time, i should be out of earth’s gravity and in the gravity of the sun. but i would never be out of his love and i would never be in my sunshine.

51985.0000 sun’s gravity dominates me, the love for unknown now possessed me, and drives me. the earth gravity is a minor parameters just as my unrequited love. day night have no meaning for me now. 5.8g is still very far from mars. mars would be just a pale red dot at this point. and the effect of mars gravity is zero. as a matter of fact, i have to reach an altitude of 120m of mars so that mars gravity dominates the solar gravity. i need to correct my course so that i will reach this altitude of 120m and be in mars gravity in a few months.

i would be reaching the anti nodal point in some time, and if i correct my inclination with respect to mars plane of rotation around the sun, i should be able to reduce my mars apprach distance from 5.8g to 600m. it is may 02, 2001, 11:53 that is mjd 52031.4953 and this is the an. Changing my attitude to normal- and burning will result in inclining me correctly with the mars plane. mars and my dg have a relative inclination of 1.85 degrees. i do not know if i get to this near zero, if my distance would be approach dropping to 600m. i might not be able to find love on earth. i do not know how to do it. but i definitely know that i can correct my course en route to mars to drop my distance to 100m so that i can be in mars gravitational dominating. this is very crucial to get this as close to zero as possible and there are only two opportunities on my way to correct my relative inclination. now my ri stands at 0.17. and my an moved forward. so i can make it to an again and correct this 0.17 degrees also.

september 6th and now i am on an again. i have corrected ri to 0.04 which is pretty fine. now i check my mfd for the approach distance. it shows 1.5g and a fear grips me. my expectations were that this burn should have gotten my app. dist. to 600m. but 1.5g. i am limited in my options at this point. i know that if i hit prograde attitude and burn more and try reaching mars faster or a vice versa operation should end up at correcting this to 600m. so i do a few simulations to see which one works. i change my mfd mode to manoeuvre from the approach mode, and i am running simulations to see which one works and by what amounts. in a few minutes i should have a working plan and working course correction ready.

i have a working plan. doing a burn of 520 at mjd 52158.7782 should reduce my Closest approach distance to 127.5m and this is the least i could obtain by the method of hit and trail. once i am around mars, i can again fine tune my solutions. the mjd now is 521.58.7732. and in 0.0050 i should be correcting my course that would get me 128m from mars. i had a slight overburn. but my computer shows that i would be at reaching a distance of 118m from mars. and this is good. and i would be reaching this point at 52229.2250.

my only fear is that if i could not get a lockdown on mars gravity, i would again be tumbling my way back to earth and earth has something more sinister for me. it would be great if earth has nothing for me. but now, it would always be presenting me my unrequited love and unfullfilled desire, the only desire, the one need and want for which i craved my whole life, for which i can lay my life down. and i cannot bear earth not anymore. i cannot carry the pain of an unrequited love and bereft lover. on mars, i would have the love for the unknown and the love for the exploration for me. and i would have a new lover for me in mars. By gods grace, i am saved from this fate.

i do not need to do any course corrections. so i change my frame of reference to mars. Currently my radius from mars if 16g and i would be approaching 118m. but still i have plenty of time to go. several months do separate from a bereft lover to a new lover, an unrequited love and a universal love.

today is oct 12, 22:50 2001 and i am at 8g altitude from mars. soon i should be reaching mars gravity and no later, i would be around mars. on earth my life rotated around him. and here, i would be rotating about my new found love. i update my orbital parameters to get a fresh picture and my mfd shows my closest approach distance as 123m. but this is also fine. any fate is good enough for me, so far as it is not unrequited love, precisely, another unrequited love and a new lover bereft. my heart would not take it. it just would not. it just cannot.

i am at 5g and today it oct 27, 2001. the gravitational effect of mars on my dg is zero and sun is all that is binding me. but yonder there i could see mars splitting into mars, phobos and deimos. a new hope, a new love, a new dream and a new prayer for me there. now is nov 07 and i am at 2.1g. my closest approach distance is 122m now and i need to lower this below 90m. the mars gravitational effect at 120m would be around 0.4 and this would not sufficient to perform a mars retrograde burn and bring my orbit around mars. i need to get this to 90m. so i would be running simulations again to see if a prograde burn with respect to sun brings this distance down. i am not able to get a working plan. i am afraid. i am afraid if i would be loosing my new lover too. and with a prayer, i plan to meet 120m and when i around 900m i shall try to correct my course again and see if i can get a working plan.

1.571g and i have a mars gravitational effect of 0.01 the rest 99.99 is sun. i am nervous. the fear is creeping up in my spinal cord. i do not know if i can get to mars gravitational pull. i fear that destiny has got another unrequited love for me and one more bereft lover drifting away in space as i tumble back to gloomy earth, and his persistent memories that would haunt me on earth every moment i live; killing me every moment. i have made my choices. if i could not get into the gravity of mars, i would burn the rest of hte fuel, shoot out of mars orbit and seek my grave in the sun. ironically even that would not bring sunshine or sunrise in my life. but it would be the perfect sunset. 113m and i am at 970m and hte effect of mars gravity is still 0.01. Bravely and hopelessly i approach 113m. i know i would not be able to make it to 90m. simulations show that i cannot fall below 113m.

i found the distance from Heaven and Hell. 20m. desparate times, desparate measures. my last option is to correct my course atr 200m. in whatever gravity mars provides me there, i will turn retrograde and pull my orbit around mars. if i am successful, i would be glad and if not, i would still be glad. for i would not be tumbling back to earth. i would be pulled into sun slowly first and accelerating. that would be journey across hades and into a perfect sunset. i would sleep in sun in his dreams and hope eternally that my sun one day would shine on me. 800m gravity is 0.02. mars which is so near is still a distant dream for me. love always was so distant, so tragic and so lethal for me. 595m and 0.04. this is what is called Hoping Hopelessly.

500m and i change my reference from sun to mars. and in a vain hope, and without running any simulations, i hit the retrograde programme. it is going to be a suicide or a new life. i do not bother to run simulations. i hit the lever for a full burn. the mfd is showing distance is dropping. i thank my god. now hte closest distance is 100m and for afew seconds i keep the burn going. now it is 90m. and i know a new day just started. Hitting back the throttle, i silently slip to 100m. gravity is 0.45 and i am in retrograde. as soon as i approach 90m, i would burn my fuel and that should collapse my orbit around mars, though a High mars orbit around 90m but then i have an orbit. i can slowly perform retrograde burns and get to mars to around 500k.

and it is 90m and it is 1m and now it is 500k. my orbit is more or less a circle. and i can see the martial sunrise to my right. i am in retrograde. this is a moment that i would want to share it with him, my love, with him by my side. but soon, i realise that i am sharing this moment with my love, mars, by my side.

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For Him I Sing

FOR him I sing,
I raise the present on the past,
(As some perennial tree out of its roots, the present on the past,)
With time and space I him dilate and fuse the immortal laws,
To make himself by them the law unto himself.

from "The Leaves of Grass"
by "Walt Whitman"

LOVE is anterior to life

LOVE is anterior to life,
Posterior to death,
Initial of creation, and
The exponent of breath.

Omnia Sol Temperat

Omnia sol temperat
purus et subtilis,
novo mundo reserat
faciem Aprilis,
ad amorem properat
animus herilis
et iocundis imperat
deus puerilis.

Rerum tanta novitas
in solemni vere
et veris auctoritas
jubet nos gaudere;
vias prebet solitas,
et in tuo vere
fides est et probitas
tuum retinere.

Ama me fideliter,
fidem meam noto:
de corde totaliter
et ex mente tota
sum presentialiter
absens in remota,
quisquis amat taliter,
volvitur in rota.

TO lose thee, sweeter than to gain

TO lose thee, sweeter than to gain
All other hearts I knew.
’T is true the drought is destitute,
But then I had the dew!

The Caspian has its realms of sand, 5
Its other realm of sea;
Without the sterile perquisite
No Caspian could be.

HEART, we will forget him!

HEART, we will forget him!
You and I, to-night!
You may forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done, pray tell me, 5
That I my thoughts may dim;
Haste! lest while you’re lagging,
I may remember him!

I ’M ceded, I ’ve stopped being theirs

I ’M ceded, I ’ve stopped being theirs;
The name they dropped upon my face
With water, in the country church,
Is finished using now,
And they can put it with my dolls, 5
My childhood, and the string of spools
I ’ve finished threading too.

Baptized before without the choice,
But this time consciously, of grace
Unto supremest name, 10
Called to my full, the crescent dropped,
Existence’s whole arc filled up
With one small diadem.

My second rank, too small the first,
Crowned, crowing on my father’s breast, 15
A half unconscious queen;
But this time, adequate, erect,
With will to choose or to reject,
And I choose—just a throne.

MY worthiness is all my doubt

MY worthiness is all my doubt,
His merit all my fear,
Contrasting which, my qualities
Do lowlier appear;

Lest I should insufficient prove 5
For his beloved need,
The chiefest apprehension
Within my loving creed.

So I, the undivine abode
Of his elect content, 10
Conform my soul as ’t were a church
Unto her sacrament.

LET me not mar that perfect dream

LET me not mar that perfect dream
By an auroral stain,
But so adjust my daily night
That it will come again.

ONE blessing had I, than the rest

ONE blessing had I, than the rest
So larger to my eyes
That I stopped gauging, satisfied,
For this enchanted size.

It was the limit of my dream, 5
The focus of my prayer,—
A perfect, paralyzing bliss
Contented as despair.

I knew no more of want or cold,
Phantasms both become, 10
For this new value in the soul,
Supremest earthly sum.

The heaven below the heaven above
Obscured with ruddier hue.
Life’s latitude leant over-full; 15
The judgment perished, too.

Why joys so scantily disburse,
Why Paradise defer,
Why floods are served to us in bowls,—
I speculate no more.

YOU left me, sweet, two legacies

YOU left me, sweet, two legacies,—
A legacy of love
A Heavenly Father would content,
Had He the offer of;

You left me boundaries of pain 5
Capacious as the sea,
Between eternity and time,
Your consciousness and me.

Circa mea pectora

Circa mea pectora
multa sunt suspiria
de tua pulchritudine,
que me ledunt misere.
Manda liet,
Manda liet
min geselle
chumet niet.

Tui lucent oculi
sicut solis radii,
sicut splendor fulguris
lucem donat tenebris.
Manda liet
Manda liet,
min geselle
chumet niet.

Miles to Go Before I Sleep

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there's some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Ulyssess

It little profits that an idle king,
By this still hearth, among these barren crags,
Match'd with an aged wife, I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,
That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.
I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees: All times I have enjoy'd
Greatly, have suffer'd greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone, on shore, and when
Thro' scudding drifts the rainy Hyades
Vext the dim sea: I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honour'd of them all;
And drunk delight of battle with my peers,
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethro'
Gleams that untravell'd world whose margin fades
For ever and forever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use!
As tho' to breathe were life! Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains: but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this gray spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.

This is my son, mine own Telemachus,
To whom I leave the sceptre and the isle,---
Well-loved of me, discerning to fulfil
This labour, by slow prudence to make mild
A rugged people, and thro' soft degrees
Subdue them to the useful and the good.
Most blameless is he, centred in the sphere
Of common duties, decent not to fail
In offices of tenderness, and pay
Meet adoration to my household gods,
When I am gone. He works his work, I mine.

There lies the port; the vessel puffs her sail:
There gloom the dark, broad seas. My mariners,
Souls that have toil'd, and wrought, and thought with me ---
That ever with a frolic welcome took
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
Free hearts, free foreheads --- you and I are old;
Old age hath yet his honour and his toil;
Death closes all: but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:
The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

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